I guess I loved you
by eisa
Summary: Buffy POV about how she treated Spike and how now after his death she feels. Post Angel Finale though she doesn't know he is alive. Surprise ending R


Buffy POV after the series finale she is in Rome just after the last Angel episode.

**"I Guess I Loved You"**

**lyrics by Lara Fabian**

I shouldn't have left you there to die like that. I should have tried to save you thinking about it now in this beautiful city which I could call my home I keeping waiting to see you, sense you. But I was such a fool. You died saving me in a fate that when I first met you I could never have dreamt was yours. In my nightmares I can feel the flames that licked your body. I am so sorry.

_Now  
Tomorrow is all there is  
No need to look behind the door  
You won't standing there no more  
I had my chance  
To dance another dance  
I didn't even realise  
That this was all love and no lies  
Then I lost you_

You were right if I was to dance like you called it dancing it was only with you. Now even though I am not the only one, there are hundreds maybe thousands of slayers in the world, I know you were the only one worthy of seeing my last dance. Where ever you are now I hope it is a place you can find peace. You suited your soul so well but even before then you were one in a million. You loved me even when you had no soul, when I used you to feel, when I beat you and called you names I am ashamed to think of now. Even after all I did to you; you would always be there for me.

I guess I loved you  
Less, less than I should  
Now all there is  
It's me and me  
I turn around and all I see  
The past where I have left our destiny

I never killed you though I have killed hundreds with your skill, maybe I never killed you because I loved you on some level I never realised. Maybe I loved the way we sparked of each other, the verbal sparring partner who could match me in every punch and kick. My equal but my opposite. But all I ever thought of was me and my calling, me and my friends, me and my needs. I never thought about how you felt. To be honest I never really thought you could feel. So here I am in Rome with a different immortal by my side but in a space only you could fill. I shouldn't have left you. I dream about what could have been. Your cocky smile there beside me your barbed words teasingly filled with a love I have never before known. You never treated me like a china doll like Angel and Riley did. You were the only one to see what was inside, the only one brave enough to tell me how it was

_  
Now  
Tomorrow is a mystery  
I can not live without a dream  
Vanishing from reality  
I wanna know  
Would you come back to me?  
Now that I finally realised  
You are my home  
You are my life  
I need you  
_

I keep sensing you, and sometimes it feels like that you are so close. Every dream every nightmare I have is about you. Sometimes I don't want to wake because I know that when I do you won't be there. I have thought of getting one of the witches to raise you but am afraid that maybe just maybe you are at peace. That you are where I once was so cruelly ripped from, that you are watching over me. But god I need you. No one I know will speak to me the way you did. You told me the harsh truth, you told me beautiful things. You know you broke my heart when you told me you saved me every night, you had no soul then and you nearly brought me to tears. But I would never let you see me cry then. Every night I save you too.

_  
I guess I loved you  
Oh, less, less than I should  
Now all there is  
It's me and me  
I turn around and all I see  
The past where I have left our destiny  
_

I was such a fool, I couldn't let myself care for you but I did. That's why you lived long enough to get a chip. I trusted you enough even after what you tried to do to me in the bathroom to let them remove it. But by then I knew you had changed that you were more human then I was. I should have told you then I loved you, maybe I could have made you believe it. You and I were so opposite that we were perfect, if that makes sense. My mind is full of things I want, no need to tell you. How I actually liked how you smelt, of those cigarettes you smoked and the whiskey you drank. How I loved to watch you fight, how I loved how you moved. How you made me feel. Me its always me but it should have been you. I should have thought more about how you felt, I see that now. You would be so proud of me now. I want you to tell me you're proud of me in that obnoxious English accent of yours. I want you to hold me like you always did, you knew I wouldn't break, but it doesn't matter now, nothing matters now because you are gone.

_  
I guess I loved you  
Ah, less, less, less, less than I could  
Another time  
Another run  
To mend both of our broken hearts  
To tell you how much I can love you now  
_

I broke your heart time and time again but you kept returning for rejection. Rejection you didn't deserve. You were better then I deserved I know that know as I recall everything you did for me and Dawn. Even for poor Tara, you proved to her that her family had lied to her forever, she was no demon and you did it even when you didn't love me. I want you to know if you can hear me that I meant it, I do love you. Yes I still love you and even now as I share a bed you are the only one I dream of. If only I knew you had believed me. There are so many things I want to tell you, want to ask you. I want to know more abut your mortal life; I want you to know about my pre-slayer life. I want to tell you what movies I loved, I want to know what books you read, what songs you loved what you were like both as a mortal and vampire.

I guess, I guess I loved you  
I guess I loved you

**The doorbell rings**

"Hey pet"


End file.
